Fantasy Dinner Party

Get out the good china and polish the silverware because we’re having a party! We’ve picked the date, selected the caterer, designed the invitations and organized our playlist. The only thing we have left to do is finalize the guest list.

Who will we invite to our Fantasy Dinner Party?

Brooke (60-Something Baby Boomer):

I’ve been throwing this challenge out for years and had my own list of 5 or 6. Now, I can only remember one of my originals. Good thing this is fantasy – if I had this party, I’d probably forget everyone a week later.

Like most parties I host, I want to have fun, not achieve total enlightenment. People usually throw out some of the following gut-busting cut ups as their fantasy seatmates (read in a nasal, pseudo-highbrow voice): Jesus, MLK, Ghandi, Mother Theresa, Anne Frank, blah, blah, blah. Please, my sides. You’re killing me.

Anyway, forced to find some new guests, I’m going with occupations from which I’ll choose my favorites.

• Original List Inhabitant – Dorothy Parker – legendary, groundbreaking literary light and member of the esteemed Algonquin Round Table. How can you not love the woman who wrote, “If all the women who went to the Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn’t be surprised” and whose epitaph read, “Pardon My Dust.” Have a seat, Dotty.

• Movie Star – Gotta be one of the oldies. No paparazzi, TMZ or Perez Hilton in their day! Those stars really lived large. I choose Errol Flynn for the sheer audacity and swashbuckling good looks. Anyone who goes out partying with the corpse of his bestie, John Barrymore (that would be Drew’s grandfather, Amanda) could never be dull.

• Politician – Ugh. Certainly no one current or recent. What a soul-sucking bore. None of the oldies seem that exciting either. However, we’ve had some truly wacky First Ladies and chief among these was Mary Todd Lincoln. A shopaholic and batshit crazy.

• Writer – if you unscrewed the top of Steven King’s head and looked inside – wow. But I’ve pushed Steve into the Dead Zone in favor of Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, an aristocratic 19^th Century Englishwoman and devoted wife of the famous poet, she manages to crank out Frankenstein on the side. Whoa – step aside, Mr. King.

• Musician – Again, I’ll reach into the past. Can’t think of anyone recently who seems fun or even interesting. Maybe Sinatra, though I read he never really drank. The ubiquitous cocktail in his hand was a prop to induce his minions to do the real drinking. Control freak. Nope, I’m going with Mozart. Hey, I saw Amadeus! (see above: batshit crazy).

• TV Star – Way too broad a category, so I’ve narrowed it down to a favorite SNL player and I choose Martin Short. He only did one season but OMG. I want him sitting next to me.

• Comedians – I’m picking an old fave and a new discovery. I’ve been a huge Dennis Miller fan since his SNL days. He remains sharp, droll, topical and incisive. I love Dennis and I want him sitting on my other side.And, if you haven’t seen Iliza Shlesinger’s Netflix specials, particularly her most recent, “Elder Millennial,” do yourself a favor. She’s SO good and so much fun.

Do we sense a pattern here, gentle reader? It seems the table stakes at my dinner party are laughter with a dash of crazy and a side of scary. I can’t wait to dig in.

Amanda (30-Something Millennial):

My fantasy dinner party is one that I don’t have to cook. I’ll be like the Real Housewives of “wherever they are this week” and hire a catering staff. Thinking of who I’d invite to this soirée is overwhelming. Do I stay classy and invite dignitaries? Do I live my truth and invite all the Bravo-lebs and Kardashians? I say, invite them all, have a ball! Here we go…

• Kate Middleton – is she really feuding with Megan? What does she think of Gary Janetti’s Instagram posts? What does she miss about being a “commoner”? I could throw in some Brexit talk too to class it up if needed. Quite honestly, I really need to know how she curls her hair.

• Heather McMahan – if you’re not following her on Insta, do it now! She’s @heatherkmcmahn and I live for her Instastories. We’d go deep into Britney Spears’ escapades while sipping on Aperol Spritzes.

• I should bring some male energy to the table so ya know, I’ll invite the entire cast of Queer Eye. Can you just imagine? We’d laugh, we’d cry and then laugh again. If you need me, I’ll be drooling over Antoni and not the dessert…

• Andy Cohen. The King. No explanation needed. Bonus points if he brings Lisa Rinna or John Mayer as his +1.

• Last but not least, set-up a long table because I’m inviting ALL my friends. My house is clean, my door is open, I’ve got THE Duchess in my living room so come one, come all!

Lindsay (Fabulous Forties):

I admit, this was tough. So I decided to have some smaller intimate fantasy dinner parties. I’m ¼ founder of this blog, so I can change the rules. Well I hope I can. The other 3/4’s are forces to be reckoned with.

• My absolutely favorite of the dinner parties would be Jimmy Fallon, Justin Timberlake, and Chris Farley. I want a knee slapping, water spitting, nose running, tear spilling, panty wetting laugh fest. I have learned so much from the three of these men.Chris Farley has to come back from the dead because there are no better one liners out there than those uttered by Tommy Callahan (Tommy Boy). Tommy taught me you cannot put much stock in the word “guarantee”. As he states, you can take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed but all you have is a guaranteed box of sh*t. So profound. I also found a role model in his character Matt Foley, SNL. I learned how not to end up living in a van down by the river – life changing. I want those two Farley characters at the table. Heck, maybe that is a dinner all by itself.

  Jimmy Fallon and JT are just hysterical together. They can sing Bee Gees songs to me, make me feel the yule tide glow when they sing about my favorite “gift” in a box, and essentially make passing the salt the funniest thing I have ever heard. I have never seen the two of them together and not laughed out loud a multitude of times. I want them to be my besties. I want to be so close to them after this dinner, I get gifted a mug with a picture of them, holding a mug of a picture with me, holding a mug with a picture of them (google it).

• Now for the fantasy man table. Matthew McConaughey but the Ben Berry Matthew from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days sprinkled with some Magic Mike Matthew…well none of the speaking parts from Magic Mike except Alright, Alright, Alright – since it was the lamest plot ever but what fantastic acting (wink, wink). I’ve been crushing on Benjamin Berry for many years, and his character practiced good hygiene.The only other man would be Jacoby from the band Papa Roach. Now that will freak some of you out, but I feel it’s only right. I was caught on camera (which was posted on You Tube) many years ago accosting him by grabbing his butt with BOTH hands and doing a 2 squeeze tweak. I then referred to him as my boyfriend for years. It may be appropriate we meet so I can tell him we have been dating for almost a decade.

• Inspiring Woman dinner. Oprah of course. I want it at her house, so I can lay in her 10,000 thread count sheets made of bunny fur, speckled with unicorn magic and fairy dust, but I’m hiring the chef because I don’t want cauliflower masking anything that should be 100% carbs! Carbs without cauliflower is O so good. And Lisa Vander Pump strictly because she is sorta my name sake. Tsk Tsk Tsk…..no guessing. These women are articulate, keep their calm in any situation we have witnessed, are loaded – I mean stupid wealthy, smart, and more importantly, they are confident in who they are. I don’t want advice from them really, I just want to get them drunk and see if I can break their calm, polished demeanors.

At all of these, I need my Main Squeeze beside me (yep, just hopped to the 70s). During the “man dinner”, he can bring a couple hot chicks too. I need him at all of them, because I just do! Everything is better with him by my side, and I will likely drink too much and forget something amazing which he will reiterate to me in detail. I may also need a go pro on my head, so I can record the event and watch it like I do everything important….DVR style.

So that’s it. You can see I don’t want to grow or become a better human being….I work at that often. I want to laugh, drool, and get drunk Lyndsay style.

Karen (F’ing Fifties):

I agree with Lindsay, this topic was actually a little more difficult than I thought it would be, naturally my first instinct was to include really important figures from the past, to have the opportunity to pick their brains, learn some secrets and gain all sorts of insight and knowledge, but, hey it’s just a dinner party. I want to have fun (and cocktails) plus I really want everybody to leave early so I can be in bed by 10:00 PM.

I’m not one to turn away spirits (pun intended), but, what kind of host would I be if I made everybody leave by ten? Especially after they’ve spent all that time and energy coming back from the dead? Not cool.

So now that Maya Angelou, Muhammad Ali, Mother Teresa and Prince are out, I need to figure out who is in:

• Hollywood Medium’s Tyler Henry. I mean, he could summon all of the interesting people who are no longer with us and, voilà, problem solved! Hey, Joan Rivers, can we talk?

• Oprah! Oprah’s rags to riches story is fascinating and, of course, she has interviewed some of the most intriguing, inspiring and infamous people during her career. Plus, SHE LOVES BREAD! YOU get a dinner roll! And YOU get a dinner roll! Definitely sitting next to her!

• Martha & Snoop, two words: Party Favors! It’s a good thing.

• Larry David, the brilliant mind that brought us Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm. As dinner party guests go, I bet he would be pretty, pretty good.

• Warren Buffett, with any luck he’ll get all liquored up and spill some top secret financial and investment tips. Or, at the very least, pick up the tab.

• Betty White, she’s gained a lifetime of experience and provides the best advice. Who wouldn’t want to sit back with an after dinner drink and listen as Betty shares her most profound life and longevity tips. She’s already given us such gems as “Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep. Nine if you’re ugly.” This will definitely help support my 10:00 PM bedtime rule.There are so many more people I would love to include, but, alas, my table only seats eight. If I had to narrow it down to my final Fantasy Dinner Party guest, I would have to choose:

• Brad Pitt, because he’s single now, sooooooo . . . .

WHO WOULD WE FIND AT YOUR DINNER TABLE?

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