The Royals

• Have you ever set your alarm for 3:30 AM in order to watch a live broadcast of a Royal Wedding?
• Are you upset because you were planning on naming your next child Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor?
• Fancy a Royal Flush or a sip of Crown Royal over anything remotely related to the British Monarchy?

What is it about America’s fascination with the Royal Family?  Why do we get all caught up in the pomp and circumstance ?  Bloody hell, haven’t human beings been getting married and having babies since the beginning of time?  Why the fascination with these cheeky strangers?  Is this the closest thing we have to a real-life fairy tale?

Brooke (60-Something Baby Boomer):

Love ‘em or hate ‘em?  Well, kinda both, actually.  I certainly follow them but also delight in witnessing a slap down bringing one or another of them back down to the cold hard earth the rest of us mere mortals tread on a daily basis. Hello, schadenfreude, my old friend…

Let’s start at the top of this twisted family tree:

Liz and Whatshisname: I think these two died back in the 90’s and are actually automatons on loan from Disney. Instructions were left to continue the charade for at least the next 25 years. That’s how bad they didn’t want to turn the keys to the palace over to Chuckles.

Chuck and Cam:  These two are sooooo British. A misbegotten marriage to a home office approved virgin interrupted their decades long love affair until Diana had the good grace to die, leaving the sidecar open for it’s new occupant, the less than lovely Duchess of Drab. Now they troop the colours with impunity, accepting bows and curtseys from royalettes and rock stars as if nothing untoward occurred. So veddy, veddy British!

The Offspring: Or the Heir and the Spare as they were preciously labeled as tots. Wills seems vaguely embarrassed by the noblesse oblige and might fantasize a life selling insurance. Given the chance, I think he’d disappear faster than his hairline. The fact that Harry is a dead ringer for Diana’s old riding teacher doesn’t raise an eyebrow.  He’s 6th in line after all and getting pushed further away from the winners circle by his wife, the procreant Princess Kate.

The Spouse Girls: Kate might be my favorite royal, only because I can’t think of anything snarky to say about her. She seems completely unflappable. Imagine your royal wedding day and the world media seems only interested in your sister’s ass. That serene acceptance of her Gayle King-like second banana status has really come in handy with the arrival of her new SIL – the Meghanomaniac. I just can’t lose the feeling that, if the surface was scratched, she’d pull off the mask and reveal the many headed hydra that lies beneath. Picture Angelina during the Billy Bob years.

The Reserve Team – Kate has been filling the infield, producing new heirs like a Pez dispenser – George, Charlotte, Louis, Bashful, Sneezy, Dopey and Beevis.  Brilliant, old girl! Well done! No one will ever pay attention to you again now that the Megster has pushed one out. Thank god we’ve seen the end of the ubiquitous two-handed belly grab. But Archie??? 7^th in line to the throne – King Archie. Who’s going to nab 8th place? Veronica or Jughead? (Note to Millenials: google Riverdale on the CW).

It’s just occurred to me that we might have subconsciously channeled the Royal Family when creating our blog – Four Generations of Insanity. Cheers!

 

Amanda (30-Something Millennial): 

Other than watching coverage of Princess Diana’s death, having a crush on Prince William growing up and following their marriages, I didn’t really think twice about The Royal Family. But then I binged The Crown on Netflix and my interest was piqued. I’m a fan of Princess Margaret’s story now.

Kate and Will have never disappointed me – hello, they’ve birthed not only the future King but also they’ve given us internet gold with him being Gary Janetti’s muse. Meghan and Harry seem to always be a bit of a letdown. I respect the crown but I cannot erase loose pieces of hair on her wedding day and the name Archie…

I wonder what their everyday life is like. Do they get along? (I’ve been wondering this since our fantasy dinner party post!) Beauty secrets? If I can look HALF as good as the Queen at 93, I’ll take it. What makes them pick what they wear? What’s it like to be one of the cousin’s where you’re a Royal but not in the spotlight as much? I have a healthy intrigue and enjoy tuning into the longest running reality show but then again, my tax money isn’t funding it.

Lindsay (Fabulous Forties):

I am not very interested in the Royals.  Sure I see the wedding and baby hype, but how much do I care…..very little.

The Royals are all beautiful, perfectly manicured, and have some darn cute kids.  With the exception of Gary Janetti’s posts on Instagram, I would be in the dark about most of what occurs with the Royal Family, and Gary’s posts are not factual but rather hysterical.

We have Dukes, Duchesses, Princesses, Princes, a Queen, Earls, Countesses and who knows who else to try to keep track of.  All of which I find confusing.  How great can a Countess be when the only Countess I have seen a great deal about is on the Real Housewives and after her latest short, ridiculous marriage, she lost her title.  An American with a royal title doesn’t seem to work out like royalty has planned…hmmmm….makes you wonder what will happen with the latest American bestowed the royal title of Duchess.  Did you all know Prince Harry shares a big date with King Henry VIII?  King Henry executed his wife, Anne Boleyn, on the same date Prince Harry got married.  Now I only know this from google and again I’m only interested, because I loved the show The Tudors.

The most interest I have in the Royal Family is The Queen.   Prince Charles wants the throne, but the Queen may live forever or outlive good ole Prince Charles.  What does that woman eat and drink?   How do I live to be 93, and still be thriving and running a country?  Does she get botox?  Have IVs with vitamins?  Work out?  Does she EVER wear sweat pants and swill down a martini while eating an entire pepperoni pizza?  Now that would interest me.

So my blog counterparts will have to dazzle you with a funny and insightful blog this time around, ’cause this gal doesn’t have much input.

Karen (F’ing Fifties):

For someone that professes to not be all that interested in the Royal Family, I do seem to know quite a bit about them.  Well, not the important things, like, what their last name is or how they make their money.  Most of my knowledge comes from the holy grail of all things Royal:  Lifetime TV

Is being a member of the Royal Family really a dream come true or more like a life sentence?  Is there an American equivalent?  The Kennedys?  The Kardashians?   Between the fairy tale love stories, sudden tragedies and epic scandals, they all do seem to have a lot of similarities and I am here for it.   I revel in the absurdity of it all but do have a few questions:

-Is Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor an appropriate name for a baby?  Sounds more like a law firm.

-Remember when Wills was the hot one?  #teamharry

-How does one go from being cast as “Briefcase Girl” on Deal or No Deal to the Duchess of Sussex?

-What is a Duchess?

-Was Queen Elizabeth really “aghast” to learn that Meghan Markel doesn’t wear pantyhose?

-Does anybody still wear pantyhose?

-Why wasn’t Kate Middleton invited to Meghan Markel’s baby shower?

-Why wasn’t Meghan Markel invited to Kate Middleton’s birthday party?

-Does Pippa still do 100 squats per day?

-Why can’t I be more like Pippa?

-Where is Fergie and whatever became of her toe-sucking boy-toy?

-Remember when Prince Harry got caught showing The Full Monty while playing naked billiards in Vegas?  #teamharry

-When will Lifetime give us a movie all about Meghan Markel’s crazy half-sister?

-When will James Hewitt get the recognition he deserves? #babydaddy

Brooke may have a point,  perhaps our Four Generations of Insanity is actually subconsciously channeling our own version of the Royal Family.  If so, then that makes me rank right up there with Countess Sophie of Wessex, wife of Prince Edward, Earl of Wessex, the youngest son of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.  Wow, that’s a mouthful.

From now on, I would ask that you please refer to me as Countess Karen of Crotch Crescent.  What?  Google it, it’s a real place, it was named Oxford’s 5^th most embarrassing street name (who knew this blog would be so educational)?  From this point forward, my royal duties shall consist of wearing outrageous fascinators (we call them hats in the U.S.), attending social gatherings and attending to my people.

PS:  Dear Lifetime TV, if Joan Rivers’ hologram could play me in the Made For TV Movie about my life that would lovely.  Ok?  Thanks.

Do you have Royal Fever or are You Completely Uninterested in all things Windsor?

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