Wishful Shrinking

– Have you utilized this past year to fine-tune your eating habits and exercise routine?

– Are you currently cutting carbs, keeping track of points or existing solely on grapefruit and cabbage soup?

– Do you stare into your closet and wonder how all of your clothes mysteriously shrunk overnight?

Well, it was bound to happen, summer is right around the corner and this year it has the audacity to follow a full year of quarantine binge watching (and binge eating) everything. How is it already swimsuit season again? We need more time to prepare! Is it too late for a quick fix?

Lindsay (Fabulous 40’s)

Ahhhh the topic of diets and lbs. One of my least favorite topics and yet one that consumes me all too often.

I was a blessed child, teen, and young woman who could eat like a linebacker, not exercise, and was skinny . . . size 2-4 skinny. Did I appreciate it? Yes, but nothing like I should have, and then 38 happened. That was the year things began to spread if you will. It has gotten harder every year to cease and then reduce the spread. It’s like global warming, we try to stop it, we don’t believe it’s true, but it’s happening. I will try any diet pill with the hopes the ads are true, and I pray for just a little boost to the ole gal’s metabolism. Nope, doesn’t work and neither do fad diets long term.

Keep your Atkins, Paleo, Mediterranean, and Keto. It’s just too much work. Only eating certain foods, subjecting anyone else in your home to your newest fad, and learning new recipes that do not make me say yum is not for me. I want easy, but not as easy as Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, or Slim fast. When my idea of a good meal is full of preservatives with cooking directions that consist of “push 8 0 0 + start” to nuke it, and then consume with my eyes closed and/or holding my nose to gag it down, I need an intervention because I’ve lost my mind.

The struggle is real. It gets harder every year but I will continue to exercise (eye roll and several curse words) and eat right most of the time and complain about my weight, pants size and dress size while working hard to get to a place of self-acceptance. What I will not do is give up alcohol for the cause because that, like fad diets, is just simply not sustainable.

Brooke (60-Something Baby Boomer)

I’ve been on a diet for 50 years. In that time, I’ve circled around my “ideal” weight, albeit usually toward the high end of the range. My issue is not losing weight. That I do with great aplomb. Repeatedly. My willpower is nonpareiled. I can stick to a diet that would test the mettle of Ghandi. Then comes that “maintenance” part and I eat like I’m going to the electric chair.

It’s not news that we, as a nation, are fat. About 20 years ago, out of curiosity, I googled “average height and weight of the American woman”. It was 5’4” and 154 pounds. Today, we’re no taller (still 5’4”, my exact height) but we’ve collectively packed on an additional 16 pounds and now average 170. So, the gazillion dollar diet industry is clearly not working for us and yet we persist in shelling out more money on the next sure thing and creating a metabolic tsunami from which we will clearly never recover.

Since I have the luxury (?) of 50 years of hindsight on this subject, I started to analyze – what happened in my young life that suddenly made the futile pursuit of a size 6 my lifetime goal? What intervening factor occurred in the early 70’s that took me down the dietary rabbit hole? What is the common denominator in the countless failures with countless fad diets? Hello Pinot, my old friend. Yep, alcohol. The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems. From the Boone’s Farm of my college days, through an ocean of Miller Light right up to my comfortable and well-worn niche as an oenophile, I’m going down as blaming the hooch for my abject failure as a dieter.

Also 50 years ago, they put a man on the moon, for god’s sake. Why, in all that time, have they not invented zero-calorie wine? Get it together, Science!! However, under the heading of “be careful what you wish for”, if we had calorie-free booze, might we evolve from a country of well-upholstered buffet queens to armies of lithe and lissome lushes?

I shall ponder this conundrum and plan my next diet as I bask on the beach, sipping my Black Cherry White Claw (100 calories, 2g of sugar). Hey, is that guy with the peg leg and the harpoon looking at me?

Amanda (30-Something Millennial)

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, right? WRONG. Otherwise the diet, aka the health and lifestyle sector, wouldn’t be a bajillion dollar industry that we all fall victim to at some point in our lives. Or, if you’re like me, every Monday when I have to restart my quest for health each week.

Work out? I’ll do it all day. I enjoy it – it’s a stress reliever and some of my best friends go to the same classes so it becomes social.

Eat right? That’s the bigger challenge.

Run 4 miles? OK.

Avoid ice cream? No thank you.

I believe in balance, so maybe there’s an extra pound or two on the scale, but the great memories and the taste of great food and drinks are worth it!

Karen (F’ing Fifties)

Well, what can I say that hasn’t already been said? Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt (except now it doesn’t fit). It feels like we are always looking for the quick-fix and there are no shortages of products that promise to get us back to our birth weight in record time. Those “Lunchtime Liposuction” advertisements are even starting to sound enticing. Lose 20 pounds in 20 minutes with NO downtime! No downtime? Downtime has been my go-to pandemic hobby, please don’t take that away from me!

As a word of caution, please be sure to read the small print before beginning any new weight loss routine. By doing so I found out that, in addition to losing my much-coveted downtime, there is also another major drawback to this quick-fix procedure, I would have to leave my house. But I can’t. I don’t have anything to wear.

Have you tried any crazy diets?

Do you have a secret weight loss formula?

Let us know, we’d LOVE to hear from you!

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10 thoughts on “Wishful Shrinking

  1. I used to be a skinny kid who could eat as much as he wanted and never put on weight….. now I sit here, on my lunch break with my burger and hot chocolate, knowing full well where my paunch has come from.

    1. That paunch is well earned. I guess we need to eat healthy more than once to lose weight, who knew?

      1. Thank you, I mean, there’s no instructions with this….. right? 😆

  2. This delightful post (I was nodding in agreement throughout the read, even high-fiving the cat at one point) came at just the right time. This weekend we had several friends over for a little shindig. We laughed, we drank, we shoved many things in our mouths that were (mostly) non-sexual in nature. A good time. The next morning, fresh party pics arrived on our phone from one of the attendees. (Yay!) I worked my way through several splendid snaps. (Oh, Beth looks REALLY good in that shot!)

    And then I found That One. The one where I looked like a walking scoop of rum raisin ice cream. Why rum raisin you may ask? Because my head LOOKED like a raisin compared to the Hindenburg-esque quality of the rest of me. I was mortified. I wanted to be mad at the person who sent the shot (surely they must have realized that I would be devastated?), but I couldn’t. I had to own that mess, because I’m the one that got me there.

    Completely unnecessary background detail that you didn’t request and could live happily without knowing: I’m one of those folks who was chunky as a child, blossomed and streamlined in my teens, had a good three-decade or so run after that with the streamlining (mostly powered by a metabolism that let me eat what I wanted) and then, at roughly the age of 52 years and 1 day, my metabolism left me for someone younger. I haven’t see him since.


    Anyway, thanks for the inadvertent boost. I am now determined. Tomorrow, everything changes. Well, something changes. Okay, I will THINK about changing something. I’ll keep you posted… 😉

    1. Thank you for the background information, it was completely necessary, very enlightening and has me wondering why people feel the need to share those unflattering day-after photos.  It’s the modern-day equivalent of running into your boss on your walk of shame . . . both equally mortifying.

      The fact that we provided you with a boost is an inspiration to me, however, I will need to wait until the proverbial “Monday” to make my dietary changes, I can’t do it tomorrow. For some reason I have the urge to get a gallon of ice cream (and some rum)! 

    2. Oh my I know exactly how you feel!

  3. Another great read! I’ve been trying to lose the same 10 pounds since menopause… think I will continue to wear lots of black clothing … it seems to fool many people.

    1. Black has been my go-to wardrobe staple and seems to work out well (as long as I avoid mirrors and photos)!

  4. As I sit here reading your comments and sipping my hot chocolate with some Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey in it, I thought I would tell you about my weight loss program. Surgery. Yep, that’s right. Five years ago I had surgery (unrelated to weight loss). I spent 10 days in the hospital and lost 25 pounds. Five years later, still down that 25 pounds. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

    1. 25 lbs & peanut butter whiskey?  Does this work for elective surgery, too?  Where do I sign up? 

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