Our Baby Boomer is digging up and sharing flu statistics spanning the better half of the last decade, our Millennial is posting pics drinking Moscow Mules and posing with babies all while our two Gen-Xers stand in solidarity by immediately shutting themselves off from the rest of the world without batting an eye.
Could the Coronoavirus Pandemic be the one thing that finally highlights our generation gap?
Gen Xers: Lindsay (Fabulous 40’s) & Karen (F’ing Fifties):
Millennials, we get it, you’re younger, stronger, more resilient . . . blah, blah, blah. You’re also being stupid. You are our future leaders and still have so much to learn from our elder generation, why are you trying to kill them? We see you at the coffee shop, in the bars and at the beach, spreading your germs with your head in the sand (or in your phone). You do know that you can make matcha lattes or work out at home, right? So, please, we beg you, go home, catch up on your binge watching and get back to social media where you belong!
OK Boomer (yes, we just said that), why are you still going out to dinner, to the movies, to the gym? Do you have a death wish? Why is it so hard for you to stay home? You created us former “latchkey kids.” You are the ones that treated us like adults, sent us home alone after school to fend for ourselves and occupy our time, for an entire afternoon, every single day. You are the reason we are so self-sufficient. You told us not to leave the house and we listened, now it’s time to take your own advice. We are begging you to STAY HOME. Why you ask? Let us give you a few reasons why:
“Because we said so, that’s why!”
“Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer!”
“This is for your own good!”
“If you want to act like a child, we will treat you like a child!”
“One day you will thank us!”
Sound familiar? Good, now go to your room and think about what you have done . . . YOU’RE GROUNDED!
Amanda (30-Something Millennial):
As an elder-millennial, we’ve been preparing for lockdown our whole lives – we were the first to try out online classes, some of us have never worked in an office but solely at home and we were doing Skype calls long before FaceTime. That being said, cage the Boomers in your life and teach them how to take advantage of this technology and spend time catching up with each other. Better yet, since you’ve been stealing your parents cable log-in since you “cut the cord” two years ago it’s time to repay them with your Netflix password and get them sucked in to the dumpster fire of Love Is Blind.
If there’s a Gen Z-er in your life, cut them off. Chances are they are carrying the disease. Especially if they’re really tan from Spring Break or hungover from St Patty’s Day – these Gen Z-ers are the most dangerous. They didn’t heed the warnings and pleas to “flatten the curve”.
Stay home everyone! Stay put not only for everyone’s health but also because that closet you’ve always wanted to organize since binging Marie Kondo or following The Home Edit on Insta is waiting for you…
Brooke (60-Something Baby Boomer):
It should surprise no one that I am not acting my age regarding the Corona virus. I am the least concerned of all my friends and view this pandemic as more of an inconvenience and an annoyance – not THE END OF DAYS as some of my contemporaries see it.
My sequestration has not been voluntary at all, rather the result of the mass cancellation of everything on my calendar. Having said that, I must admit that quarantining has not been a challenge for me. And, yes, I said quarantine – not “social distancing”. Was it really necessary to create a euphemism for quarantining? “Social distancing” is a bit vanilla for the drama queens out there, right? It lacks the pithy, medieval cachet of “quarantining”.
Don’t think I’m completely squandering this opportunity, though. My self-imposed exile has given me the chance to create the ultimate To Do List. I don’t plan on actually doing anything though – but I did write up a list. I have no real intentions to wash the baseboards or clean out my junk drawer – not as long as there’s Netflix. And as long as our governor considers liquor stores to be an essential service, I’m good. Real good. By the way, I think “junk drawers” is a good euphemism for underwear.
Are you practicing #SocialDistancing or “Self-Quarantining” (or neither)?
Do you have a Quarantine “To-Do” List and an adequate supply of Toilet Paper?
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